Geoff's Novels

In 2005, Geoff Tristram embarked on a new career, as a novelist. His younger brother, David, is a highly-successful comedy playwright with some twenty plays regularly being performed worldwide and two full-length films, not to mention the YouTube sensation, ‘Doreen’s Story’ under his belt, so writing comedy must be in the Tristram genes!

Geoff’s first story, ‘A Nasty Bump on the Head’, about a scatterbrained eleven-year-old artist with a gift for causing mayhem, became essential reading material for anyone born within a thirty-mile radius of the Black Country, and this quickly led to ten more comedies, eight of them featuring scatterbrained artist, David Day, and four featuring chaotic writer, Adam Eve.

Those who have read these wonderful books and laughed out loud in the most unsuitable places tell Geoff that his books are simply crying out to be made into comedy films. Maybe one day, when his brother gets a spare second, this can be arranged! Watch this space.

Meanwhile, all of Geoff’s books can be signed and posted to your home with any personal inscriptions you desire.

So, yeah! Click on the books and get shopping!

© Geoff Tristram 2023

£7.99 +£1.99 postage

The Mourner Lisa

Adam Eve, bored with his job as a small-time journalist, decides to become a private investigator, just like his fictional hero, Philip Marlowe, so he rents a scruffy little office above a barbershop and gets some cheap furniture from the local charity shop. He and his best friend, renowned fine artist and art restorer, David Day, had been helping the local police to solve crimes for several years, and were regarded by them as Stourbridge’s version of Holmes and Watson, so it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Work, however, was slow, until David rang his friend with exciting, and quite unbelievable news. He had discovered one of the most famous paintings in the world, hanging on the wall of a college in Bilston. From that point onwards, their lives become hectic.

They say that things come in threes, and suddenly, they were investigating a very mysterious, anonymous letter about a famous actor who had died, been buried, but apparently was still alive, and a series of gruesome murders in the Birmingham area which were identical to those in famous author, Henry Jameson’s latest bestseller. C.I.D. inspectors Chris and Andy were struggling to make headway with either case, and Adam and David’s theories were so far-fetched as to be laughable. 

Treat yourself to a truly funny, cleverly-plotted book, where unexpected twists happen every five minutes, and better still, it’s set in the Black Country, where everyone is born a comedian, but be warned, it’s a tale for those who take their comedy black!

ISBN 978-1-3999-7755-5. Paperback, 158 pages, 130w x 198mm.

“This is a very funny book, but If I find out that Geoff has based the character Rob Wakefield on me, I’ll be ringing my solicitor!”

Robert Williams
Creative Director, Penguin Books (UK) Ltd
Scriptwriter: Killing Eve, The Man in the High Castle, EastEnders, Holby City, Doctors, Screw, D.C.I. Banks, Chasing Shadows,
Suspicion, The Victim.

This is the best book I have ever read!”

Geoff Tristram
Artist, Cartoonist and Novelist

£7.99 +£1.99 postage

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

The Artist's Revenge

Writer, Adam Eve, and his friend, art restorer David Day, are fascinated by a newspaper article about a slightly eccentric old artist who had accused an earl of not paying for a commissioned portrait of his wife. The earl insisted that he did not know the man, had never commissioned a portrait, and owed no money.

The artist then wreaked his revenge by stealing a valuable Canaletto masterpiece from the earl’s stately home, hiding it, and refusing to hand it over until he was paid for his portrait.
A judge believed the earl’s story, and sentenced the artist to five years in prison, but promised to release him if the Canaletto painting was safely returned. The artist refused, became depressed after the death of his wife, and committed suicide in prison, after leaving a strange, cryptic message on his cell wall, written in his own blood.

Adam and David vow to find the Canaletto, and also the portrait, if indeed it ever existed, so they can ascertain whether it was the earl or the artist who was telling the truth. Then they discover that the message on the cell wall was just the first of many more cryptic clues that would hopefully lead them to the Canaletto’s location.

A black comedy with a fiendishly clever plot that will keep you guessing from start to finish

ISBN 978-1-3999-4934-7. Paperback, 148 pages, 130w x 198mm.

“This is Geoff’s 20th comedy novel. You’d think he’d have learnt by now, wouldn’t you?”

Robert Williams
Creative Director, Penguin Books (UK) Ltd
Scriptwriter: Killing Eve, The Man in the High Castle, EastEnders, Holby City, Doctors, Screw, D.C.I. Banks, Chasing Shadows
Suspicion, The Victim.

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

£7.99 +£1.99 postage

A Nasty Bump on the Head

Eleven-year-old David Day is one of those children who seem to attract chaos. After tearfully laying his dead hamster to rest in the refuse bin, he then realizes that it was merely hibernating. The creature is duly rescued, but only after David’s mother has covered it in cold baked beans.

From thereon in, the boy’s day gets steadily worse. After a succession of deeply embarrassing situations at school, he is sent to a barber that makes Sweeney Todd look like a celebrity stylist, and emerges into a fog-bound High Street, bearing an uncanny resemblance to Adolf Hitler. In an attempt to cheer himself up, David visits the toy shop and finds the owner, the curmudgeonly Miss Kettle, spark out under the empty till with a huge bump on her head.

What follows is a delightful and achingly funny comedy of errors, involving amateur taxidermy, lost Shakespeare manuscripts, a flock of plywood sheep, a letter to Scotland Yard, a drunken teetotaller, several more nasty bumps on the head and a Nativity play, plus a poignant ending that will bring a tear to the eye of the most hardened Black Country man.

This is Geoff Tristram’s debut novel, and if you like it, there are seven more equally convoluted David Day stories waiting in the wings, which chart his progress from scatterbrained child to scatterbrained forty-eight-year-old!

ISBN: 978-0-9551428-0-2. Paperback, 238 pages, 130w x 198mm.

“As mad as Spaghetti Junction and as entertaining as a trip on the Dudley Zoo chairlift. I loved it.”

Rob Williams, Creative Director, Penguin Books (UK)

“Wonderfully witty and captivatingly clever. Geoff Tristram has beautifully captured the innocence and humour of a bygone Black Country age.”

Malcolm Boyden. BBC Broadcaster and novelist.

£7.99 +£1.99 postage

£7.99 +£1.99 postage

"So, yeah!"

Like everyone else on this planet, artist and cartoonist, Geoff Tristram, gets irritated by all sorts of things, from the trivial and irrational, to the seriously infuriating. He covers fashion, language, bad grammar, television, advertising, cosmetic surgery, music, Covid 19, neighbours, food, animals, people, politicians, shopping, celebrities, woke warriors, snowflakes, art, marriage, ageing, graphic design, doctors, and much, much more besides. 

He’s even drawn a few quick cartoons to better illustrate his moans, including a front cover felt-pen self-portrait that his long-suffering wife, Susan, said looked absolutely nothing like him, even though he insists he took it directly from a photograph that his brother, David, took of him pulling an ‘exasperated and incandescent’ face. He duly drew another one and she wasn’t keen on that either. You just can’t please some people. Maybe she has propopagnosia!

He also admits that there might not even be 500 things. It may be more, or it may be less – he couldn’t be bothered to count them, but he argues that a subtitle such as, ‘497 things that irritate the hell out of me’ wouldn’t have been anywhere near as catchy, so he rounded it up (or down).

So get yourself a copy, laugh at the grumpy old git’s observations, and see if you actually agree with any of them. Most are only a sentence or two long, so even someone with your terrible attention span will enjoy it!

So, yeah! That’s about it. Get your wallet out!

ISBN: 978-0-9926208-5-1. Paperback, 250 pages, 130w x 198mm.

£7.99 +£1.99 postage

£7.99 +£1.99 postage

The Tea Bag Murders

A David Day Story

For someone who was supposed to have retired, David Day, the renowned artist and picture restorer, was finding life extremely hectic. He’d been commissioned to paint a portrait of a mad old professor for Birmingham University, and as soon as that was finished, he was due to begin a painting of an Earl’s daughter, whilst simultaneously restoring an old oil painting for the Earl’s wife, and working on his first crime novel.

Oh yes, and he was also helping the Birmingham Police to solve five murders committed by a psychopathic serial killer, who not only murdered innocent people, but stuffed tea bags into their mouths afterwards, and then sealed them up with gaffer tape. And with all that going on, he still found time to take part in the pub quiz at The Plough every week.

Treat yourself to a truly funny book and a great, cleverly-plotted murder mystery at the same time. Even better, it’s set in the Black Country, where virtually everyone is a born comedian. But be warned. This book is for those who take their comedy black!

ISBN: 978-1-3999-2402-3. Paperback, 250 pages, 130w x 198mm.

“Write what you like, Geoff, and I’ll sign it!”

Rob Williams. Scriptwriter: Killing Eve, The Man in the High Castle, EastEnders, Holby City, Doctors, Screw, D.C.I. Banks, Chasing Shadows, Suspicion, The Victim.

“This is the funniest book I have ever read!”

Geoffrey Tristram, Artist, Cartoonist and Writer.

“My plays are a lot funnier than his books.”

David Tristram, Comedy Playwright and Film Maker.

£7.99 +£1.99 postage

£7.99 +£1.99 postage

The Vendetta Café

Gloria is the owner of a small café in Stratford-upon-Avon, home of William Shakespeare, but even a town that’s used to great drama has never witnessed anything quite like this. Her customers all have a fascinating story to tell, but nothing is quite as it seems. Or is it?

All Gloria wants to do is serve her teas and coffees to the tourists, and enjoy a nice, peaceful, uneventful day, but instead, the café seems to be a convenient meeting place where plots are hatched, scores are settled, tall tales are spun, and subterfuge and double-dealing are rife.

Just when you’re sure that you understand what’s going on, everything gets turned upside down again and you realise that you still don’t have a clue. Then, in the midst of all the chaos and confusion, something truly monumental happens that you won’t see coming, and suddenly, everything makes perfect sense.

This is a short story for those who take their comedy black, and like their plots to be devilishly clever.

ISBN 978-0-9926208-9-9. Paperback, 250 pages, 130w x 198mm.

“An exceedingly clever, funny, and at times tragic plot with a killer ending. This is Geoff’s homage to Agatha Christie!

Jonathan Pugh, cartoonist, The Daily Mail.

£7.99 +£1.99 postage

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

A Remarkable Chain of Events

Adam Eve wakes up on Sunday morning to find his son’s friend, Nosher, fast asleep and snoring loudly on Adam’s new settee. He instructs his son to remove the offending article immediately, only to discover that the uninvited guest can’t be woken up. Searching the comatose lad’s pockets for clues that might help the paramedics, Adam finds a strange, cryptic note, which sets off an incredible series of events that all seem to be connected.

The trail soon leads Adam to a retired academic from nearby Stratford-upon-Avon, who had been hinting to friends and colleagues that he was on the verge of ‘a life-changing discovery of global importance’.

Then, just as Adam finally appears to be making progress, everything goes pear-shaped as the eccentric old man shuffles off his mortal coil. He teams up with legendary local artist and adventurer, David Day, and suddenly things get very interesting indeed.

Join Adam, his new girlfriend, Helen, and David as they suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, not to mention mad professors, comedy hypnotists, assorted art thieves and a plague of field mice, before they make the discovery of the century.

Oh, and be prepared for the fits of uncontrollable laughter you will experience on the way!

ISBN: ISBN 978-0-9926208-6-8. Paperback, 238 pages, 130w x 198mm.

“An exceedingly funny, original plot of Shakespearean proportions, as usual!”

Rob Williams, Creative Director, Penguin Books (UK)

 

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

The Curse of Tutton Common

Scatterbrained young artist, David Day, is offered part-time work at Stanmore Castle’s Museum of Local Life, possibly the dullest, most boring museum in the British Isles.

After a disastrous start, where he and rookie curator, Julian, mistake each other for the local lunatic and flasher, the two form a close bond. They then determine to transform the place in order to attract the punters and save their genial old boss, Percy Payne, from bankruptcy.The problem is; the museum has no major exhibits to speak of, other than a few moth-eaten, out-of-date waxworks that Madame Tussauds had sold on, and even those have been dismembered or beheaded by the local school children.
To make matters worse, eccentric proprietor Percy is determined to cut costs by employing his thirteen-year-old niece to create the countryside murals, in spite of the fact that she has no artistic ability or grasp of rudimentary anatomy.

David’s professionalism is welcomed, but Percy’s problems run deeper than the mere cosmetic. In a nutshell, his exhibits are duller than ditchwater, and it’s going to take more than a gifted artist’s touch to put that right.
Then, the three unlikely friends experience a dramatic change of fortune, brought about by Hitlerina, the revolting castle cat, who proudly brings a withered human finger into Julian’s office for him to play with.

This sets into a motion a roller-coaster ride of pure mayhem, and a preposterous, yet somehow utterly believable plot of sheer comic genius, that will have you laughing out loud in the most unsuitable places.Could it conceivably be true be that David, Julian and Percy, ably abetted by Hitlerina and Jethro, the transsexual gardener, have really discovered an ancient Egyptian burial tomb….in South Staffordshire?

ISBN: 978-0-9551428-3-3. Paperback, 200 pages, 130w x 198mm.

”Another helping of inspired madness from the creator of David Day. The adventures get more surreal -and more hilarious – with each book.”

Sally Oldaker. Limited Edition Magazine

”A scream from start to finish. ‘The Curse of Tutton Common’ reminds me of those classic Ealing comedies we all used to love, and I should know -! live in Ealing! We all complain about the dearth of good drama on TV nowadays, so let’s get this on the box, the sooner the better.”

Robert Williams , Creative Director, Penguin Books (UK) Ltd

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

£6.99 +£1.99 postage

The Last Cricket Tour

Ashdown Cricket Club is facing closure after a hundred years of proud history. Club Secretary, Dennis, ably hampered by his trusty colleagues, Mike and Barry, decides to organize one last hurrah, a week-long cricket tour of North Devon, before their beloved ground is sold off to developers.

They manage to round up eleven players of mixed age and ability, and set off for one of the craziest tours of all time. Beset by problems from day one, the tour descends into absolute chaos, with hilarious and occasionally poignant consequences.

The expression, ‘laugh out loud’ is much overused nowadays, but this book really is just that! Even if, God forbid, you have no interest in cricket whatsoever, you will still laugh yourself silly! Even better, it’s only just over 32,000 words, so it’s perfect for the 21st century attention span.

Read it now, before it becomes a hit TV comedy drama, and then you can say you were first to discover it!

ISBN: 978-0-9926208-1-3. Paperback, ??? pages, 130w x 198mm.

“A bit like ‘The Worst Week of My Life’ crossed with ‘The Last of the Summer Wine’ on LSD. It’s only a matter of time before someone high up discovers Geoff’s crazy comedies and films them, hopefully before he’s too addled to enjoy the money!”

Robert Williams, Scriptwriter DCI Banks, Eastenders, Holby City, Chasing Shadows.

£6.99 +£1.99 postage

£7.99 +£1.99 postage

The Hunt for Granddad's Head

It’s the summer of 1965. Doctor Who is on TV and the Beatles are on the radio. Meanwhile, in a small, sleepy Black Country town, ten-year-old David Day and his two friends from Brierley Bank Junior School are spending their art lesson sketching in the churchyard when a large branch from the tree they are sitting beneath crashes to earth and shatters a nearby gravestone. Inside a broken urn they find a letter written by the late Jeremiah Silversmith, a miserly and reclusive old Victorian gentleman, explaining that he has hidden his money and, with uncharacteristic generosity, is now inviting the reader to try and find it. The only problem is, no-one can find any evidence of his existence in the parish records.

Meanwhile, everyday life continues to have its ups and downs – quite literally in David’s case. He is dreading having to endure ‘the bumps’ for his eleventh birthday, especially if school bully, Brett Spittle, has a hand in it. On the plus side, David has been promised a new Subutteo team by his doting parents, which means that he will be able to give best friend Gary his battered old one.  Unfortunately, the centre forward’s head is missing and most of the others have broken arms and legs, prompting David to rename them Brierley Bank Celtic, after a fairly dreadful Sunday league team that his granddad once played for. All that David and Gary long for now is a television, so that they can watch Doctor Who, the scary science fiction series that all the children at school are talking about.

Then, during an idyllic weekend at the family caravan, the friends’ world is turned upside down when they meet a strange lady who hands the boys a mysterious gift, warning them of its awesome power.

As a consequence, life in Brierley Bank suddenly begins to get hectic, as David is forced to deal with Dalek invasions, grumpy toyshop owners, squashed school trophies, disappearing telephone boxes and a very nasty case of space bacteria, en route to exacting his revenge on the evil Brett Spittle.

ISBN: 978-0-9551428-6-4. Paperback, 180 pages, 130w x 198mm.

“A bit like ‘The Worst Week of My Life’ crossed with ‘The Last of the Summer Wine’ on LSD. It’s only a matter of time before someone high up discovers Geoff’s crazy comedies and films them, hopefully before he’s too addled to enjoy the money!”

Sally Oldaker – Limited Edition Magazine

£7.99 +£1.99 postage

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

Monet Trouble

David Day’s first morning at art college doesn’t get off to a good start, largely due to Donald and Reg, two local beat bobbies who take it upon themselves to blow his rusting death-trap Mini Clubman to smithereens, following its first outing, much to the amusement of superior French art student, Nicole. David’s fortunes change dramatically, however, when he answers a discreet ‘wanted’ ad on the college notice board.

Thanks to the mysterious and elusive Lord Hickman, David becomes embroiled in the shadowy world of art forgery, and his once-simple life becomes increasingly complicated. A plot of epic proportions then unravels, which sees the hapless and naïve art student catapulted between Wolverhampton, Florence and his patron’s stately pile near Kinver in an attempt to thwart the villains of the piece, whilst also trying to fit in the odd rehearsal with his inept rock band.

In true David Day style, the superbly crafted comic set-pieces come thick and fast as the story hurtles to its wonderful cinematic conclusion.

ISBN: 978-0-9551428-1-9. Paperback, 333 pages, 130w x 198mm.

“If you like books about 1970’s Wolverhampton, art forgery and cross-dressing, you’ll love this. If you don’t, you’ll love it anyway.”

Robert Williams,  Creative Director, Penguin Books UK Ltd

“An incredibly clever and convoluted plot that is guaranteed to make you laugh out loud and often. It’s the kind of novel P.G. Wodehouse could have penned, had he been born in a Black Country council house.”

Limited Edition Magazine

“If there isn’t a statue of David Day erected in the Black Country by next year, I’ll have lost all faith in the reading population of the West Midlands. If you like novels about 1970’s Wolverhampton, art forgery and cross-dressing, you’ll love this. If you don’t, you’ll love it anyway!”

Robert Williams,  Creative Director, Penguin Books UK Ltd

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

Vincent Gough's Van

Scatterbrained art student David Day seems to attract chaos wherever he goes. Erroneously believing a pretty young woman police constable to be an old school friend, he accosts her from behind and tries to stick her up with his lunchtime banana, only to end up battered, bruised and humiliated in the gutter. After a grovelling apology, he dusts himself off, meets up with his trusty friend, Dylan, and heads for college, pausing to look in a shop window.

To his horror, David realizes that he is standing on a blood-spattered chalk line approximating the contour of the late Jack Hamphlett, a photography student who became depressed after his lecturer father died from a peanut allergy.

Convinced that Jack did not kill himself, David teams up with WPC ‘Snibboh’ Hobbins, and they discover, thanks in no small part to Vincent Gough the Florist, that this was not suicide, but murder most foul.

The two sleuths then embark on a trail littered with lecherous lecturers, lesbian assassins, psychic sewing teachers and psychotic fine art students, en-route to ensuring that justice is done, whilst weaving a plot that even Shakespeare would have been proud of.

ISBN: 978-0-9551428-2-6. Paperback, 283 pages, 130w x 198mm.

“If you don’t laugh at this, there’s something wrong with your mouth.”

Robert Williams, Creative Director, Penguin Books UK Ltd

“A Comedy Murder Thriller of Shakespearian proportions!”

Limited Edition Magazine

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

Losing The Plot

Struggling writer, Adam Eve, has written a novel which his friend, Rob Wakefield, Managing Director of Capybara, a top London publishing house, assures him is a best seller. All Adam has to do is finish the final chapter, and he can claim his sizeable advance. There’s only one small problem. Adam’s laptop is stolen on the homeward train, and with it his manuscript.

This isn’t the end of the world, however, as the local photocopy shop has a spare one. Or at least, it did have until the work experience lad burnt the place down with one of his discarded cigarette ends. Now Adam is desperate to find his missing laptop, and meanwhile Rob Wakefield is screaming for his book. Then life gets even more complicated.

Adam is arrested for stealing central heating radiators and murdering most of the town’s cats, neither of which he is guilty of. Seriously in danger of losing the plot metaphorically as well as literally, he then discovers something lurking under his floorboards that promises to change his life forever. 

Will Adam find his laptop? Can he prove his innocence to the humourless neighbourhood policeman who is hounding him? There’s only one way to find out. Read “Losing the Plot”, one of the funniest and most original stories of the year, and if you like it, there are ten more, equally wonderful Geoff Tristram novels to get you laughing out loud!

ISBN: 978-0-9926208-0-6. Paperback, 333 pages, 130w x 198mm.

“Please, will someone in television read Geoff’s hilarious comedy novels, see sense and sign him up quick, so that I can write the screenplays!”

Robert Williams, Scriptwriter: DCI Banks, Eastenders, Holby City.

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

Mr Maori Goes Home

Chaotic comedy writer, Adam Eve, is left a large sum of money in his hell-raising Uncle Ken’s will, on condition that he returns a rare Maori carving, which was stolen by his uncle some thirty years previously, to the Maori Museum in Rotorua, New Zealand.

Petrified with fear by the thought of being incarcerated in a Jumbo Jet for 24 hours, but desperately in need of the money, he agrees to undertake the mission, but predictably, for Adam at least, all is not what it seems. Uncle Ken, it appears, had an ulterior motive.

True to form, Adam manages to get himself into all sorts of trouble even before he sets foot on the plane, and things go downhill fast from thereon in. Can Adam triumph over bogus policemen, ruthless killers, humourless customs officials, snap-happy Japanese tourists, a Croatian nymphomaniac and a clingy mallard duck? Will he return the carving in one piece to claim his inheritance, and more importantly, can he find true love Down Under?

There’s only one way to find out, if you discount shop-lifting. Reach into your pocket, wallet, sporran or handbag and part with £8.99, which – be assured – equates to less than a penny per laugh. You will then become the proud owner of arguably the funniest book you will ever read, with the possible exception of its prequel, ‘The Curious Tale of the Missing Hoof’, which is every bit as good, as it happens.

Treat yourself. We guarantee you won’t live to regret it!

ISBN: 978-0-9551428-8-8. Paperback, 240 pages, 130w x 198mm.

“A second surreal adventure for trouble-magnet Adam Eve, whose outrageous misfortunes on a trip to New Zealand are comedy gold.”. 

Sally Oldaker. Limited Edition Magazine.

“For those who thought that it was impossible to better Geoff Tristram’s David Day stories, try this. I guarantee that you’ll laugh till it actually hurts”.

Robert Williams. BBC Writer’s Team.

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

Stealing the Ashes

Forty-year-old artist, David Day, decides to join his local cricket club in an attempt to shed a few pounds, after a barbed comment from best friend Laz cuts him to the quick.

Whilst addressing the call of nature at the clubhouse, he overhears two members of a visiting Australian touring side plotting to steal the Ashes to order for a sinister-sounding character named Trilby, who intends to spirit them away Down Under. Incensed by this outrageous attempt to rob England of one of its most important pieces of sporting memorabilia, David feels duty-bound to report what he has heard to the Metropolitan police. Unfortunately, upon meeting the Australian-born Chief Superintendent Trilby for the first time, David understandably panics and, when asked to explain the purpose of his visit, blurts out a hastily-concocted pack of lies about a gang of international art thieves.

From hereon-in, things become doubly complicated, with the Metropolitan police investigating a crime that is but a figment of David’s over-active imagination. Add to the mix a serious case of mistaken identity, a real gang of art thieves, a dodgy hypnotist, one large and several small tubs of ice cream, the now obligatory transsexual, an old urn, an arachnophobic museum curator, several forged works of art and a complete dimwit named Tim Beasley, and you have the makings of a sublimely ridiculous comedy of errors that will have you laughing out loud in the most unsuitable places.

Oh, and even better – you don’t have to know anything whatsoever about cricket to enjoy it!

ISBN: 978-0-9551428-5-7. Paperback, 207 pages, 130w x 198mm.

“Whether or not you’re a cricket fan, you’ll thoroughly enjoy the sublime silliness of David’s attempts to thwart the sporting crime of the century.”

Sally Oldaker. Limited Edition Magazine.

“What an absolute corker! If this doesn’t have you in stitches, I’ll eat my box!”

Robert Williams: Creative Director, Penguin Books (UK) Ltd

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

Painting by Numbers

Successful young artist David Day is having an early midlife crisis. He sees himself as no more than a battery hen, churning out painting after painting for the advertising industry, and struggling to meet impossible deadlines. In short, he’s not enjoying life. To compound his misery, the day before his thirtieth birthday, he suffers an electric shock to his private parts and collapses into liquid sewage while trying to photograph a Friesian cow.

Unbelievably, things are about to get even worse. His art studio is blown to smithereens after he inadvertently leaves the gas on, catapulting his cleaning lady through the window and into the trailer of a passing tractor. Even a nearly-new Porsche 924 – a birthday gift to himself – cannot ease his tortured mind. Unable to work, thanks to losing his studio and most of his art equipment, he reluctantly accepts a temporary teaching job at a night school, where he meets an eccentric, ninety-year-old gentleman with a penchant for painting by numbers and speaking utter gibberish. David quickly realises, however, that this man is not all that he seems. He has a truly remarkable tale to tell, and one that will dramatically change the young artist’s life forever.

‘Painting by Numbers’ is the fifth book about artist David Day, and if you’re expecting the usual laugh-out-loud mayhem, the typical clever, convoluted plot, a sprinkle of pithy observations about the state of the world, and the odd tear-inducing moment, you certainly won’t be disappointed.

ISBN: 9978-0-9551428-4-0 Paperback, 228 pages, 130w x 198mm.

“The idea of David Day having a mid-life crisis offers endless possibilities for mayhem – and the author seizes them all!”

Sally Oldaker, Limited Edition Magazine.

“Geoff Tristram’s books should be prescribed on the NHS instead of anti-depressants! I laughed so loudly that my fellow passengers vacated the area around me on a crowded tube train.”

Robert Williams, Creative Director, Penguin Books (UK) Ltd

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

David's Michelangelo

Laz Homer has bought an old chapel that he intends to transform into Michelangelo’s, a high-class Italian Restaurant. He asks his oldest friend, celebrated artist David Day, to recreate the Sistine Chapel ceiling for him, but when David patiently explains that it might take up to four years to complete, he is forced to accept David’s ingenious alternative.

Meanwhile, all is not well on the Edgecliff Hall Estate, where both David’s new studio and the old chapel are situated. Major Winterfold, the owner, is having trouble with a gang of notorious travellers, a sinister rapist and a pair of expensive oil paintings that he reckons have mysteriously changed in appearance while he was away fighting in Iraq. As if this wasn’t bad enough, he’s also seriously strapped for cash.

Keen to get to the bottom of things, he asks David to investigate, mistaking him for Trev, the private investigator in the unit next door. Trev is away on holiday, so David foolishly accepts the job, and from thereon in, things begin to get complicated. He quickly realizes that his new studio is not the quiet haven he’d hoped for – especially when he discovers a body part in Trev’s fridge freezer and something unspeakable in his lavatory.

Then, to cap it all, while on a trip to Italy with Laz in search of a new head chef, David makes a dramatic discovery that threatens to shake the art world to its core and make the Da Vinci Code look like the TV Times quick crossword by comparison.

Geoff Tristram’s scatterbrained hero and unwilling chaos magnet, David Day, is back in one of the funniest tales you will ever read – and that’s guaranteed! David’s Michelangelo is the eighth book in the David Day series, and those expecting the usual laugh-out-loud set pieces and the complex, devilishly clever plot won’t be disappointed. This book is nothing short of a work of art!

ISBN: 978 0-9551428-9-5. Paperback, 247 pages, 130w x 198mm.

“Once you’ve marvelled at the simple genius of the book title (so obvious, yet so perfect!), prepare to laugh loud and long at the latest exploits of hare-brained hero David Day.”

Sally Oldaker, Limited Edition Magazine.

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

A Lifetime Spent Watching Paint Dry

The gloriously indiscreet, laugh-out-loud memoir of the Black Country’s most well-known artist and cartoonist.

Geoff Tristram’s wonderfully frank life-story is a laugh-out-loud experience from start to finish. From the second he was born, the Black Country-born artist and cartoonist seems to have lurched from one crazy situation to the next, leaving a trail of chaos in his wake. 

We learn about his journey from scatterbrained schoolboy to art student to professional artist, and his host of colourful friends and family members, including his beloved younger brother, David, the award-winning comedy playwright and filmmaker who created Black Country lazy cow and national treasure, ‘Doreen Tipton.’

Geoff is not frightened to write about his share of tragedies either, but mostly he treats us to a plethora of funny anecdotes and cringeworthy situations, often at his own expense. A shameless name-dropper, he tells us about the many celebrities he has encountered in his frantic 42 years as a professional artist, and liberally dishes the dirt on people that he feels have wronged him during that time. It doesn’t matter a jot if you have never heard of Geoff or seen his wonderful work. This book will still have you in stitches from beginning to end, and, as if all this wasn’t enough, there are loads of amazing pictures too!

ISBN: 978-0-9926208-7-5. 
Paperback, 288 pages including a black and white section of images from Geoff’s personal collection. 130w x 198mm.

“The annoyingly talented Geoff Tristram – he must be rubbish at something!”

Pugh – Daily Mail

“Another gem of a book from Geoff, someone who came into my life and now won’t go away!”

Robert Williams: Creative Director, Penguin Books (UK) Ltd

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

£7.99 +£1.99 postage

Welcome to the the Curious Zoo

Take your little ones on an adventure to The Curious Zoo. Text and illustrations by Geoff Tristram with the odd poem by David Tristram (and his poems are very odd indeed!). Meet the Dinnersaurus, the Owliphant, the Very Very Long Snake, and many more fantastical creatures.


£7.99 +£1.99 postage

ISBN: 9780992620882
Hardback, 220w x 213mm x 20mm, 28 pages, fully illustrated.

£8.99 +£1.99 postage

See the wonderful illustrations in this book...

The Story of JB's

This is a book about the life and times of a remarkable little club that helped to launch the careers of hundreds of big bands, including Dire Straits, The Police, The Pretenders, Judas Priest, the Manic Street Preachers, UB40, Elvis Costello, Ian Dury, U2, Nick Lowe, The Stranglers, Ultravox, The Boomtown Rats, Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart (The Tourists), The Wonder Stuff, Squeeze, and Paul Carrack, but sadly (as you will discover inside), not Queen!
With contributions by Robert Plant, Steve Gibbons, Damon Albarn and Alex James, and many more, plus lots of hilarious, not to mention downright bizarre reminiscences from the stellar cast of die-hard fans who frequented the place!

Paperback, 210 pages, 280w x 198mm. Discontinued.

Pictured here – Just one of the 300+ photos and illustrations from the book – a hand-drawn flyer, a few badges from Howard Williamson’s collection, an old Capability Brown sticker, a hand-drawn poster by Pete Beardsmore to advertise the new King Street club, a colour photograph of John Verity (Argent, Phoenix, The John Verity band) with his entry in the visitors’ book, a lovely black and white snap of Planty on the JB’s stage, and beneath, John Illsley of Dire Straits (the band Sam wanted to manage). Last but not least, Hackensack, who virtually lived at the club in the ‘70s.